Sorta Kinda Thankful..

Taken for granted: I think that I take my mom for granted all the time. We dont get along well but I
do feel like I take whatever she does for me for granted. Some times I can be a little selfish and not helping her out the way that I should but I always try to show my appreciation. Every day I feel so independent, but I know I wouldnt be capable of doing half the things my mom does (like cleaning up after me when I'm in a rush and forget, cooking for me, simple reminders etc) My mom is the number one thing I know I take for granted. But I also have my reasons as to why I can be a little mean to her, because she can also be selfish and this is something we both can admit to. But I do feel guilty.

I'm honestly a very thankful person (mainly towards the small things in my life). I'm reminded every day that the things I do have others arent so privileged to have. But then I do think to myself "this isnt enough... I should have more." I'm extremely grateful to work and go to school at the same time. Just because I know some people who have to sacrifice one or the other. Or they have to work and save for school because they arent able to afford it, and also life happens and have to put other things first. I'm grateful for the huge king size bed that I wake up in every morning. Its where all of my comfort lies, I honestly dont like sleeping in any other bed but my own. I have never felt more comfortable in a huge white cloud (as I call it) like my own. I'm grateful for the quiet and unhectic (is that a word?) life that I live. I adore the quiet time that I have to myself because thats the only way I know how to understand what I like, hate, love, adore, disagree with. Its an aspect of my life that i'd hate to give up. I noticed people raising kids alone (like my mom) usually dont get much time alone, they dont get a chance to explore themselves, they HAVE to be s e l f l e s s.
Some good things I guess I could take in and absorb would be my surroundings. I could look out the window for hours and just think. Just sitting down and thinking about things like my life, the people I love, and what they mean to me makes me a better person. My surroundings are so beautiful, I dont stop enough to appreciate it, i'm always on the go. Looking at simple colors remind of moments-- the good ones i've had with my mom or my brothers. I've been smiling a lot more in public, it makes people smile because they think im smiling at them, but im not, but that smile may have made their day better.

BOO!

Growing up I was a very nervous, paranoid child. I was bullied as well (mostly for being quiet and

keeping to myself), so I began picking up these fears of being judged, laughed at, begin made fun of etc. People just scared me. I often had small anxiety attacks every day that I went to middle school. I feared being around large groups of people for too long. School (the time I was in middle school) was actually the biggest factor in my fear. I feared failing, but I also feared actually succeeding in school because both would get you made fun of. Speaking in front of people while they looked up at me scared me to death. I would shake so bad, and immediately think all of these horrible thoughts about myself. I'd stutter, and get my worlds all mumbled up. When I came home at the end of the day i'd feel so depressed and tired. I would cry a lot not wanting to go back the next day. My attendance was horrible, mainly because I was actually getting sick from being depressed from school all the time.

These fears held me back from a lot of things. I couldn't accept my appearance, for a long time I denied that there was ever anything good about me. I felt like I wasn't talented, smart, or fit for school. My paranoia, nervous panics, and the rest of my fear was taking a toll on school, my social life, and my health. I was scared of reaction all the time. Mainly my thoughts filled up with "what if…?" it pushed me to be a complete over thinker. I really did get sick a lot because I was depressed. I never liked eating at school (I got rushed to the hospital for food poisoning.) I wouldn't do my work because I feared being too smart, which would result into being called a "nerd" I barely had any friends so I couldn't tell people how I was feeling, but I knew there were other students just like me. 

Currently now, my mindset has changed where I can't stand for anyone, or even myself to be the reason I fail. Im smart. Ambitious. I have drive. Im compassionate. I can be completely determined. I am trustworthy. Open-minded. Quick thinker. All of these things. They are all who I am now. I've managed to process and deal with my fears by seeking out what positive aspects my loved ones see in me. I accept new challenges that I know will scare me, but I tell myself "I am bigger than this." or "This is only temporary." When I get conquer  some of my fears I often remind myself it'll be better once I get it over with. Some times I even seek out people with the same fears as me and figure out how they deal/dealt with it. Its even more relieving to know you aren't the only one dealing with this specific fear. 

Have no fear my dear

I'm here to free your mind.

Have no fear my dear

all it takes is time.

We are the people who don't speak often

Fear kept me in that coffin.

No longer holding back,

larger crowds won't give me no heart attacks.

At the end of every peaceful session,

you'll learn to fight that cold hard depression.

Believing what others had to say

taught me two valuable lessons:

Honor roll will make you feel good, and yes I do mean to brag.

Hold on to yourself, cause thats all you'll ever have.

Breath. Stretch. Shake. Let it go.

Can it actually be possible to not stress? Because I cant. I get a little nervous, and worried but never stressed. I tend to overthink things but I always try to think positively or "go with the flow." But for past two weeks so many things have continuously crossed my mind, with school, my job, and my own life. (Deep breaths help me with all of this.)

First with school... everything is so bland. I really like school because I just like retaining information and being in an educational enviornment feels good. But the every other day schedule 10:00am to 3:30pm classes is already starting to feel old. I want to join in on some of the groups/clubs but none of them really seem all that interesting to me. I also cant stop thinking about whether I would have time, or would I quit because I can often procrastinate things and get lazy? But I also just enjoy having time to myself. I'm thinking about setting a goal of books I want to read before this semester is over.

Second, my job. I recently started working at this shoe store on Newbury Street, and I enjoy it. I've been there a little over a month but I already want to move on to something else. I want to be more involved in my job, I want to love every day that im there, and I also want to get out of retail. Running up and down stairs for six hours straight with a 15 minute break that sometimes your manager forgets about isnt all that great. I've been covering shifts a lot and its getting a little annoying. But my check might be nice. Money isnt the issue, but it doesnt pay much for all the work I actually do. $8.25 an hour is not a living wage or nough to put up with the people who shop at my store. People come in and they are rude, fussy, they think youre lying when you say you dont have a size in the shoe they want, or they rush you. I'm ready to move on. I've been looking but im trying to stay long enough to see if it'll actually be worth it.

Lastly... i'm ready to move on with my life. I'm ready to be done with school. Im ready to have my own apartment and be by myself. I dont want to depend on living check to check or waking up Sunday morning dreading for my boring bland life schedule of work and school. I dont feel like im living the way I want to. I want to enjoy every moment of every day that I wake up, get dressed, and step outside. But im not. It saddens me. But I know everything i'm doing will pay off later in my life. Hopefull.

WHEN I STOP I NOTICE...

When I stop I notice...

I notice my enviornment is changing around me.

The trees are changing, the air is getting crisp.

When I stop I notice, everyone is drifting away.

Summer is long gone and my friends arent here to stay.

We've got to hustle as much as we can before snow traps us in.

In just a few months now we'll be back in the sand.

When I stop I notice, the flowers dont look so well.

What use to be bright, is now dead and dull.

The workers will pull those up next week I bet.

 Everything is transitioning.

When I stop I notice,  things are starting to feel

as dead and dull as those flowers.

When I stop I notice age will never treat us as well.

When I stop, I notice businesses are gone.

Everything is starting to look eery and ghostly if you ask me.

When I stop I notice that im not paying enough attention.

  I need to make better jaywalking decisions.

When I stop I notice winter is really coming.

I noticed that i'm really not ready for it.

RESOIL AND G(R)LOW UP!

Around the end May of this year I was at work trying to enjoy my lunch break. I get a call from my sister in law and she seemed so upset. She knows im always willing to listen to her when my brother upsets her in anyway. During her rambling she slipped up and said "...and today I threw up and found out I was pregnant. I dont need this stress!" My chipotle fell out my mouth and onto the floor. I asked her to repeat what she had said and she calmly said she was a few months pregnant. All I could think about was how much controversy this was about to stir in both of our families. My brother doesnt exactly have his life together at 24 years old, and she doesnt either at 21. After lunch I couldnt even focus. Im going to be an aunt? What? Why? This isnt specifically about me, but another life that I thought didnt deserve to be born in such an unstable enviornment. The world is so dangerous right now. My heart was dropping into my stomach at that moment. I knew my sister in law needed all the help she could get before her baby was born.

Intially, I was abit irritated with the fact that my sister decided she wanted to have her baby. But in the end im pro-choice. But not with my older brother. He's selfish, irresponsible, rude, arrogant, etc. But him having a child could change his life for the better, and maybe he wouldnt be those things I just named him any longer. Also me being the youngest child of my siblings, and pretty much one of the youngest of my generation in my family I was crushed I wouldnt get as much adoration as "the baby" in my own family. I was going to be looked at as an aunt... an adut wow. These arent bad things but I feel like ive been forced into my own current responsibilities I havent felt ready to take on since seventeen. Now, this child is coming and its another responsibility and duty.

It is now the beginning of October, the baby is due at the end of this month or early November. I'm excited for this new life to cherish. Its a blessing... I cant wait to teach my nephew things that I wish I had known earlier in my life. My brother probably wont be available for some of his life due to bad decisions and karma. I'm not going to be his little sister for much longer. I'm going to be the one whos helping raise his first born son. I finally get feel as excited as the people around me when they were informed about my arrival to this world. As I was a blessing, he is too. Learning that I was going to be an aunt is the best thing I've ever heard actually. I have a whole new perspective on being an adult and not just a child anymore. I have goals as an adult that I want to accomplish for my nephew and maybe even my future kids. Just knowing he's going to phsyically exist in my arms just a short few weeks for now and blowing my mind with love and excitement.

POEM:

Long road ahead now.

Find your power, do not become oppressed by the law.

We are taught that darkness is a bad thing.

Yet darkness is simply light...

Although we must find that first.

Plant the seeds of the unwanted,

and grow into our gold.

Is your glass empty or half full?

Are you living to survive?

Or surviving to live?

You must make everything out of your new day.

Tomorrow isnt as promised as today.

Sow the seeds of negativity.

Water the dirt and watch it grow.

The sun's light has made it beautiful,

in a world full of dark shadows.

The world does not owe us this, it is simply our duty.

Turn chaos into beauty.

Hate into love.

Dreams into realities.

Live. Prosper. Love. Conquer.