REMEMBER ME

Often times I think of the things I want to do that'll not only be good for me, but for my family, friends, and maybe even my future children.  I do want to one day give something that I can be remembered for. It may not be the cure for cancer, or the solution to end world hunger.. but I do want what ever I do to matter the most to people even the ones I dont know. I think my soul could be at ease when I'm laid to rest in my final days. I usually dont like to think that far ahead, and im comfortable with taking baby steps, but ideas and goals are fine to think about right?

I was told by my own family you cant get "cookies" or "trophies" for things youre supposed to do. I finally reached a point in my life where this is true. I'm doing everything I'm S U P P O S E D to do. Now i'm ready to think about the things I dont really have to do, but I want to because these things will matter to people when i'm not around. It'll bring joy to me knowing that i've made someone happy, or anything else significant in their lives. I hope with the career path that I take I can be able to help others launch their careers in maybe music or arts. My connections with people can open doors for other people. Maybe I can start an organization for children who come from low-income homes who feel like they shouldnt go to college because their parents cant afford it. I would love to show kids you dont have to minimize your education options the way I did. I would also love to reach out to girls who come from the same area I come from and show them its way more to life than the limited options that are put in front of them. Some of these girls decide that it would be easier to become a mom at seventeen, than a high school or college graduate. It saddens me that I didnt see much of a huge vocal female influence in my own schools so this is what the girls around my age would believe in. I'd love to be the person that helps these girls explore their life options.
I want to be remembered as the person anyone can use as an example and go beyond the successful

limits of me. I want to remembered as the person that always has love for everyone. The person anyone can come to and be inspired by. I dont have many people like that in my life so i'd love to be that person in someone elses life. I want my own career platform to be able to give back to those who arent there yet. It would be so beautiful to be at a wise age, and know that people take so much from me and use it constructively. The only trophy I hope to gain in life after my work would be to know I helped people as much as I could and I am loved for that.





Remember me. Dismember me.
Take all that I have left behind, run and flee.
After i'm gone, all that I have left is free.
Ill be content to know everyone is filled with glee.
Knowing this ill finally be able to breathe.
Girls my age will finally look up to me.
Take the needy and unfortunate on shopping sprees.
Thats all that'll ever make me happy.
Dont be sad please.
Remember how sweet my love was spread like
spring time honey bee's.
My time on this earth has taught me who to please,
only because these people matter the most to me.
This is my plea. This will keep me happy.
Remember me. Dismember me.
Take all that I have left behind, run and flee.
After i'm gone, all that I have left is free.

9 to 5's WILL NEVER BE PERMANENT.

   I'm so grateful I've been able to work and make money over the past nine months. My first semester
of college in November I got hired into my first retail job working at the gap. It was the most horrible experience ever, but I had never really had a retail before then so I didnt know what to expect. I was being paid 8.75 hourly, and being paid once a week. Sounds awesome right? The training was long and they expect you to remember so much in so little time. The customers were snobby, rude and needy. I worked long hours and still never say more than two hundred dollars in a weeks worth of a check. Didnt have enough to get back and forth to school or pay my phone bill. I struggled for a while. Struggling really hurt my soul. I remember getting up at 4:30 a.m, just to be there on black friday. Oddly there was a fire on the train tracks and I decided to go all the way back home. After that they started giving me less hours, after the holidays they eventually gave me none. No warning. Nothing. Just like that I was let go. With this experience I had learned the importance of saving money, not thinking ALL jobs are good jobs, and learning when to say no.

   Realistically, i'm glad I went through my experience working at the Gap. It not only quickly opened new doors for employment oppurtunities, I also took some retail skills along with me. Like cashier, cleaning, customer service etc. Right now I am blessed have a better job than all of my last and it only took less than a year. Knowing what my end results are for is what makes it allllllllllllllll better. I mean the money does too, but knowing that my resume just looks better and better with experience is so exicting to me.
   Even on my worst days I just tell myself to "thug this sh*t out." In other words: YOU CAN DO IT. I have people cheering for me at my finish line. Bills have to paid, and the money has to be made. My mom counts on me as much as I count her now. I'm getting so much life experience by just having a job. You strugle from time to time, I cant say I love it, but I do love everything that I get from it. I'm glad im in good spaces with people and from what they've told me I know everytime I get a job/have a job im doing the right thing. Whenever i'm at work day dreaming of a better life for me, I snap back to reality and realize these are the steps I have to take temporarily until I get where i'm going and im 100% fine with that.

LOOK INTO THE LOOKING GLASS.

I wake up everyday in a huge white bed, open windows that look out to the beautiful city skyline. My floors are wooden shiny, and a little cold. I stretch and prepare a small cereal bowl full of my favorite fruits, turn on my favorite Erykah Badu album. I would love to wake up to this. I'd drive in an all black audi or maybe even a BMW car during the week heading to the office in place of my own radio show. I get calls for advice, prank some people, play my favorite hits that are popping this year the day ends and I go home to my favorite person. Whoever the person is. I check my bank account and is filled with more than enough money to buy some new things I've seen on Nordstroms website. Life is all that I would ever dream of. Simple, content, no drama, no stress.

 I wake up in a cold sweat, something doesnt feel right. I suddenly feel the need to reach out to my mom. I know she hasnt been feeling so well, I need to speak to her at this very instant. The phone would ring, but shes not gonna pick up. I dont panic, because I know shes a heavy sleeper. But her phone is usally very loud. Its 4:30 in the morning who would be up at this time? I call my brother and ask why our mother wouldnt be answering the phone. He tells me shes been in the hospital and immediately my heart sinks into my stomach. 1000 questions race into my mind and so would fear. Why didnt anyone tell me? Why wasnt I contacted sooner. So much for communication. My heart hurts because I dont know if shes okay. I've been far away why couldnt I reach out myself. My brother tells me shes sick, but she'll be okay. Scared but relieved shes still around. I could wake up one day and have to face that my mom could be gone.

I move to New Orleans, weird because I dont like hot places. I live in a swampy area, and oddly I
enjoy it. I'm a voodoo doctor. I've talked about being one when I was younger. I've also been told "Voodoo believes in you wether you believe in it or not." I make things happen for the locals who live in the area as well. I try to make nothing but good things happen for people who come to me, but some get greedy. They use my voodoo to hurt others and thats not what I intended.

And I heard'em say nothing's ever promised tomorrow today. 

Life is all four seasons.

I just want to feel completed.  

Accomplishments, and goals.

I can see it now, not too far from now.

Beautiful beach vacations.

I see it every time I open my text book...

And lay in it. I dream of this.

It's so close but not too far.

No one can hold me back from creating 

My dream to a reality. 

Shiny cars and trips with the stars would be nice.

A 401k and millions of dollars would be better. 

I can see it, I can really see it.

Never worry about a thing. 

My dreams are my life promises.

It can easily happen tomorrow.

But as it was sung,

Nothing's ever promised tomorrow today. 

MINIMALIST MUCH

                                      

 

The pictures I chose are simple. Minimalist. I want to be comfortable, live in comfortable spaces and live comfortably. Money is oddly my motivation to get to what I want the most, I need money to get into the space that I dream of. A lot of my days seem cloudy, and filled with never ending storms, but I know one day itll be filled with blue skies. White sandy beaches. Warm winds. I can clearly picture this in my mind. I write my thoughts down in that blue notebook, because I can often be forgetful. The pages are filling up, and i'm glad I have this journal as my reminder. Never forget.  I want all my thoughts and plans to be clear, and precise. Clear Channel is ironically the company in media and entertainment that I hope to intern/work for soon. Currently these are all the things I see in my future. Clear. Simple. Clean. Comfortable.

Not far now.

You'll stand in the sun.

Think clearly.

Be free.

You'll see everything thats meant to be.

BE A BETTER YOU.

      To be honest I wake up everyday trying to figure out what I could add more passion too. All my life I remeber being apart of something, I think I could love but later hating it and wanting to quit. Whether it was an afterschool program, a club that I started with friends, or job. I ALWAYS find a way to say its not for me. Like Kanye said "I'm so gifted at finding what I dont like the most." But in the past two and half years of my life, I've realized I do have a strong passion for music, media, and entertainment. For goodness sake Oprah is my idol! This is what I study and watch. In school im studying media and communications (not for journalism) but for things like public relations and radio. In the generation im living in now the internet is just part of our everyday lives. Fashion, music, art etc. these things are validated on the internet. We share our lives, create businesses, keep in contact with friends, and some even find love! The media world relies on this. Its amazing. Everyday for the rest of my life I wish I could watch the world grow, and do amazing things. I want to be apart of that. I want to create trends, and movements that world will forever witness so long as the internet exist. 

          I want to wake up and say "hey, this brand/movement/music moved people and I'm grateful to be apart of that." Public relations is what I really want to do with my career. They do it all and they make their brand/clients look good. For example I want to have a client thats does an ad that inspires all women that they are beautiful/they shouldnt be ashamed of who they are. I want to be apart of projects that really mean something, and people will ALWAYS remember it. Same with pushing songs that'll never leave someones head. Its all about memorable experiences for me. The way humans connect means everything to me. The internet is our universal language. I think I could connect my passion with my career, by being part of a business that creates reminders and tips to the world on how we can be better humans. "Kill them with kindness," they say. You never know touched a person would be if they saw a sign about how everything gets better, or treat a person how you would want to be treated sign on the highway or in their neighborhood.

I would like to serve everyone. Although my ad's/messages/support of certain songs may not be able to reach everyone, but that is the goal. Building a better healthier happier humanity is what I truly want. Every day you turn on the news someone has been murdered, a school shooting has happened, cops and citizens are at war, deadly viruses  have spread. These things are scary and depressing. But you know what changes that? Music, appreciation of the beauty in art, even small gentle reminders. I want whatever I put out and advertise to people that "everythings going to be alright."

Passion.
Ignite my fire.
Make me remember why,
ill love what I am about to do.
Music.
Take me higher.
Set my soul on fire.
Turn up the volume, and
let me get lost in that tune.
Just sing to me like Sade, or
Miss Erykah Badu.
Smooth like the waves that
ride the sea.
Love.
You dont ever get taught how.
You just do. Grow to love you.
Show others to love themselves too.
Dreams.
When oppurtunity knocks, 
will fear leave and determination
stand beside me?
I was told, yes. Never fear no.
Connection
Talk to yourself, believe in you.
You believe in them, and remind
them why they should to.

Sorta Kinda Thankful..

Taken for granted: I think that I take my mom for granted all the time. We dont get along well but I
do feel like I take whatever she does for me for granted. Some times I can be a little selfish and not helping her out the way that I should but I always try to show my appreciation. Every day I feel so independent, but I know I wouldnt be capable of doing half the things my mom does (like cleaning up after me when I'm in a rush and forget, cooking for me, simple reminders etc) My mom is the number one thing I know I take for granted. But I also have my reasons as to why I can be a little mean to her, because she can also be selfish and this is something we both can admit to. But I do feel guilty.

I'm honestly a very thankful person (mainly towards the small things in my life). I'm reminded every day that the things I do have others arent so privileged to have. But then I do think to myself "this isnt enough... I should have more." I'm extremely grateful to work and go to school at the same time. Just because I know some people who have to sacrifice one or the other. Or they have to work and save for school because they arent able to afford it, and also life happens and have to put other things first. I'm grateful for the huge king size bed that I wake up in every morning. Its where all of my comfort lies, I honestly dont like sleeping in any other bed but my own. I have never felt more comfortable in a huge white cloud (as I call it) like my own. I'm grateful for the quiet and unhectic (is that a word?) life that I live. I adore the quiet time that I have to myself because thats the only way I know how to understand what I like, hate, love, adore, disagree with. Its an aspect of my life that i'd hate to give up. I noticed people raising kids alone (like my mom) usually dont get much time alone, they dont get a chance to explore themselves, they HAVE to be s e l f l e s s.
Some good things I guess I could take in and absorb would be my surroundings. I could look out the window for hours and just think. Just sitting down and thinking about things like my life, the people I love, and what they mean to me makes me a better person. My surroundings are so beautiful, I dont stop enough to appreciate it, i'm always on the go. Looking at simple colors remind of moments-- the good ones i've had with my mom or my brothers. I've been smiling a lot more in public, it makes people smile because they think im smiling at them, but im not, but that smile may have made their day better.

BOO!

Growing up I was a very nervous, paranoid child. I was bullied as well (mostly for being quiet and

keeping to myself), so I began picking up these fears of being judged, laughed at, begin made fun of etc. People just scared me. I often had small anxiety attacks every day that I went to middle school. I feared being around large groups of people for too long. School (the time I was in middle school) was actually the biggest factor in my fear. I feared failing, but I also feared actually succeeding in school because both would get you made fun of. Speaking in front of people while they looked up at me scared me to death. I would shake so bad, and immediately think all of these horrible thoughts about myself. I'd stutter, and get my worlds all mumbled up. When I came home at the end of the day i'd feel so depressed and tired. I would cry a lot not wanting to go back the next day. My attendance was horrible, mainly because I was actually getting sick from being depressed from school all the time.

These fears held me back from a lot of things. I couldn't accept my appearance, for a long time I denied that there was ever anything good about me. I felt like I wasn't talented, smart, or fit for school. My paranoia, nervous panics, and the rest of my fear was taking a toll on school, my social life, and my health. I was scared of reaction all the time. Mainly my thoughts filled up with "what if…?" it pushed me to be a complete over thinker. I really did get sick a lot because I was depressed. I never liked eating at school (I got rushed to the hospital for food poisoning.) I wouldn't do my work because I feared being too smart, which would result into being called a "nerd" I barely had any friends so I couldn't tell people how I was feeling, but I knew there were other students just like me. 

Currently now, my mindset has changed where I can't stand for anyone, or even myself to be the reason I fail. Im smart. Ambitious. I have drive. Im compassionate. I can be completely determined. I am trustworthy. Open-minded. Quick thinker. All of these things. They are all who I am now. I've managed to process and deal with my fears by seeking out what positive aspects my loved ones see in me. I accept new challenges that I know will scare me, but I tell myself "I am bigger than this." or "This is only temporary." When I get conquer  some of my fears I often remind myself it'll be better once I get it over with. Some times I even seek out people with the same fears as me and figure out how they deal/dealt with it. Its even more relieving to know you aren't the only one dealing with this specific fear. 

Have no fear my dear

I'm here to free your mind.

Have no fear my dear

all it takes is time.

We are the people who don't speak often

Fear kept me in that coffin.

No longer holding back,

larger crowds won't give me no heart attacks.

At the end of every peaceful session,

you'll learn to fight that cold hard depression.

Believing what others had to say

taught me two valuable lessons:

Honor roll will make you feel good, and yes I do mean to brag.

Hold on to yourself, cause thats all you'll ever have.