Sorta Kinda Thankful..

Taken for granted: I think that I take my mom for granted all the time. We dont get along well but I
do feel like I take whatever she does for me for granted. Some times I can be a little selfish and not helping her out the way that I should but I always try to show my appreciation. Every day I feel so independent, but I know I wouldnt be capable of doing half the things my mom does (like cleaning up after me when I'm in a rush and forget, cooking for me, simple reminders etc) My mom is the number one thing I know I take for granted. But I also have my reasons as to why I can be a little mean to her, because she can also be selfish and this is something we both can admit to. But I do feel guilty.

I'm honestly a very thankful person (mainly towards the small things in my life). I'm reminded every day that the things I do have others arent so privileged to have. But then I do think to myself "this isnt enough... I should have more." I'm extremely grateful to work and go to school at the same time. Just because I know some people who have to sacrifice one or the other. Or they have to work and save for school because they arent able to afford it, and also life happens and have to put other things first. I'm grateful for the huge king size bed that I wake up in every morning. Its where all of my comfort lies, I honestly dont like sleeping in any other bed but my own. I have never felt more comfortable in a huge white cloud (as I call it) like my own. I'm grateful for the quiet and unhectic (is that a word?) life that I live. I adore the quiet time that I have to myself because thats the only way I know how to understand what I like, hate, love, adore, disagree with. Its an aspect of my life that i'd hate to give up. I noticed people raising kids alone (like my mom) usually dont get much time alone, they dont get a chance to explore themselves, they HAVE to be s e l f l e s s.
Some good things I guess I could take in and absorb would be my surroundings. I could look out the window for hours and just think. Just sitting down and thinking about things like my life, the people I love, and what they mean to me makes me a better person. My surroundings are so beautiful, I dont stop enough to appreciate it, i'm always on the go. Looking at simple colors remind of moments-- the good ones i've had with my mom or my brothers. I've been smiling a lot more in public, it makes people smile because they think im smiling at them, but im not, but that smile may have made their day better.

BOO!

Growing up I was a very nervous, paranoid child. I was bullied as well (mostly for being quiet and

keeping to myself), so I began picking up these fears of being judged, laughed at, begin made fun of etc. People just scared me. I often had small anxiety attacks every day that I went to middle school. I feared being around large groups of people for too long. School (the time I was in middle school) was actually the biggest factor in my fear. I feared failing, but I also feared actually succeeding in school because both would get you made fun of. Speaking in front of people while they looked up at me scared me to death. I would shake so bad, and immediately think all of these horrible thoughts about myself. I'd stutter, and get my worlds all mumbled up. When I came home at the end of the day i'd feel so depressed and tired. I would cry a lot not wanting to go back the next day. My attendance was horrible, mainly because I was actually getting sick from being depressed from school all the time.

These fears held me back from a lot of things. I couldn't accept my appearance, for a long time I denied that there was ever anything good about me. I felt like I wasn't talented, smart, or fit for school. My paranoia, nervous panics, and the rest of my fear was taking a toll on school, my social life, and my health. I was scared of reaction all the time. Mainly my thoughts filled up with "what if…?" it pushed me to be a complete over thinker. I really did get sick a lot because I was depressed. I never liked eating at school (I got rushed to the hospital for food poisoning.) I wouldn't do my work because I feared being too smart, which would result into being called a "nerd" I barely had any friends so I couldn't tell people how I was feeling, but I knew there were other students just like me. 

Currently now, my mindset has changed where I can't stand for anyone, or even myself to be the reason I fail. Im smart. Ambitious. I have drive. Im compassionate. I can be completely determined. I am trustworthy. Open-minded. Quick thinker. All of these things. They are all who I am now. I've managed to process and deal with my fears by seeking out what positive aspects my loved ones see in me. I accept new challenges that I know will scare me, but I tell myself "I am bigger than this." or "This is only temporary." When I get conquer  some of my fears I often remind myself it'll be better once I get it over with. Some times I even seek out people with the same fears as me and figure out how they deal/dealt with it. Its even more relieving to know you aren't the only one dealing with this specific fear. 

Have no fear my dear

I'm here to free your mind.

Have no fear my dear

all it takes is time.

We are the people who don't speak often

Fear kept me in that coffin.

No longer holding back,

larger crowds won't give me no heart attacks.

At the end of every peaceful session,

you'll learn to fight that cold hard depression.

Believing what others had to say

taught me two valuable lessons:

Honor roll will make you feel good, and yes I do mean to brag.

Hold on to yourself, cause thats all you'll ever have.

Breath. Stretch. Shake. Let it go.

Can it actually be possible to not stress? Because I cant. I get a little nervous, and worried but never stressed. I tend to overthink things but I always try to think positively or "go with the flow." But for past two weeks so many things have continuously crossed my mind, with school, my job, and my own life. (Deep breaths help me with all of this.)

First with school... everything is so bland. I really like school because I just like retaining information and being in an educational enviornment feels good. But the every other day schedule 10:00am to 3:30pm classes is already starting to feel old. I want to join in on some of the groups/clubs but none of them really seem all that interesting to me. I also cant stop thinking about whether I would have time, or would I quit because I can often procrastinate things and get lazy? But I also just enjoy having time to myself. I'm thinking about setting a goal of books I want to read before this semester is over.

Second, my job. I recently started working at this shoe store on Newbury Street, and I enjoy it. I've been there a little over a month but I already want to move on to something else. I want to be more involved in my job, I want to love every day that im there, and I also want to get out of retail. Running up and down stairs for six hours straight with a 15 minute break that sometimes your manager forgets about isnt all that great. I've been covering shifts a lot and its getting a little annoying. But my check might be nice. Money isnt the issue, but it doesnt pay much for all the work I actually do. $8.25 an hour is not a living wage or nough to put up with the people who shop at my store. People come in and they are rude, fussy, they think youre lying when you say you dont have a size in the shoe they want, or they rush you. I'm ready to move on. I've been looking but im trying to stay long enough to see if it'll actually be worth it.

Lastly... i'm ready to move on with my life. I'm ready to be done with school. Im ready to have my own apartment and be by myself. I dont want to depend on living check to check or waking up Sunday morning dreading for my boring bland life schedule of work and school. I dont feel like im living the way I want to. I want to enjoy every moment of every day that I wake up, get dressed, and step outside. But im not. It saddens me. But I know everything i'm doing will pay off later in my life. Hopefull.

WHEN I STOP I NOTICE...

When I stop I notice...

I notice my enviornment is changing around me.

The trees are changing, the air is getting crisp.

When I stop I notice, everyone is drifting away.

Summer is long gone and my friends arent here to stay.

We've got to hustle as much as we can before snow traps us in.

In just a few months now we'll be back in the sand.

When I stop I notice, the flowers dont look so well.

What use to be bright, is now dead and dull.

The workers will pull those up next week I bet.

 Everything is transitioning.

When I stop I notice,  things are starting to feel

as dead and dull as those flowers.

When I stop I notice age will never treat us as well.

When I stop, I notice businesses are gone.

Everything is starting to look eery and ghostly if you ask me.

When I stop I notice that im not paying enough attention.

  I need to make better jaywalking decisions.

When I stop I notice winter is really coming.

I noticed that i'm really not ready for it.

RESOIL AND G(R)LOW UP!

Around the end May of this year I was at work trying to enjoy my lunch break. I get a call from my sister in law and she seemed so upset. She knows im always willing to listen to her when my brother upsets her in anyway. During her rambling she slipped up and said "...and today I threw up and found out I was pregnant. I dont need this stress!" My chipotle fell out my mouth and onto the floor. I asked her to repeat what she had said and she calmly said she was a few months pregnant. All I could think about was how much controversy this was about to stir in both of our families. My brother doesnt exactly have his life together at 24 years old, and she doesnt either at 21. After lunch I couldnt even focus. Im going to be an aunt? What? Why? This isnt specifically about me, but another life that I thought didnt deserve to be born in such an unstable enviornment. The world is so dangerous right now. My heart was dropping into my stomach at that moment. I knew my sister in law needed all the help she could get before her baby was born.

Intially, I was abit irritated with the fact that my sister decided she wanted to have her baby. But in the end im pro-choice. But not with my older brother. He's selfish, irresponsible, rude, arrogant, etc. But him having a child could change his life for the better, and maybe he wouldnt be those things I just named him any longer. Also me being the youngest child of my siblings, and pretty much one of the youngest of my generation in my family I was crushed I wouldnt get as much adoration as "the baby" in my own family. I was going to be looked at as an aunt... an adut wow. These arent bad things but I feel like ive been forced into my own current responsibilities I havent felt ready to take on since seventeen. Now, this child is coming and its another responsibility and duty.

It is now the beginning of October, the baby is due at the end of this month or early November. I'm excited for this new life to cherish. Its a blessing... I cant wait to teach my nephew things that I wish I had known earlier in my life. My brother probably wont be available for some of his life due to bad decisions and karma. I'm not going to be his little sister for much longer. I'm going to be the one whos helping raise his first born son. I finally get feel as excited as the people around me when they were informed about my arrival to this world. As I was a blessing, he is too. Learning that I was going to be an aunt is the best thing I've ever heard actually. I have a whole new perspective on being an adult and not just a child anymore. I have goals as an adult that I want to accomplish for my nephew and maybe even my future kids. Just knowing he's going to phsyically exist in my arms just a short few weeks for now and blowing my mind with love and excitement.

POEM:

Long road ahead now.

Find your power, do not become oppressed by the law.

We are taught that darkness is a bad thing.

Yet darkness is simply light...

Although we must find that first.

Plant the seeds of the unwanted,

and grow into our gold.

Is your glass empty or half full?

Are you living to survive?

Or surviving to live?

You must make everything out of your new day.

Tomorrow isnt as promised as today.

Sow the seeds of negativity.

Water the dirt and watch it grow.

The sun's light has made it beautiful,

in a world full of dark shadows.

The world does not owe us this, it is simply our duty.

Turn chaos into beauty.

Hate into love.

Dreams into realities.

Live. Prosper. Love. Conquer.

SPOTTIEOTTIEDOPALICIOUS

     This just might be where i'm stuck. Up to this point I didnt know what my "power" could actually be. I texted my best friend (since kindergarten) what would be my "power" ....or basically what am I really good at? She told me giving advice. Whether its strictly love, or a little pick me up... I guess I always know what to say.                                                                                                                         

For a month my cousin was going through what she thought she'd never ever have to go through: being jobless, broke, out of school, and pretty close to homeless. She came to me pretty much broken down and drained from stress. I could tell she felt as though this was her breaking point and she didnt want to deal with lifes hardships any longer. I sat there listening to her, trying to help her weigh her options out. She's older than me and has made some pretty horrible decisions, but I love the fact that she'll always be willing to listen. I told her to harnest as much positive energy as she could, know that regardless she has family that loves her, determine your wants and needs, and work on how you can grow from this. I sent "I love you. You inspire me. Grow from this Cee." to her text messages everyday, despite her phone being out of service... I knew she'd be on wifi at some point and she would get them. She's doing a lot better now. I love that she tells me she looks foward to whatever "good things" I have to tell her about herself. I love telling my cousin about the progress and growth I notice in her, most importantly the fact that she works on being a better person. I motivate her.

             With the ups of my powers, there have been downs. Although I seem so good at giving advice, there have been times where people have asked for it and then decided to not take it. That low key hurt a little. Why even bother if you knew werent going to take it? Why ask me what you should do and never go through with it? Ultimately its okay for people to make their own decisions for themselves but its little different when you ask a friend for advice and you never planned on falling through with it. But... there have been times where I couldnt even follow my own advice in sticky situations dealing with relationships, family, money etc. It made me feel like I failed myself and those who I have given the same advice to. I guess thats something to work on right?

                To harness this power, I simply learn from others and myself. Nothing can change if you arent trying to learn anything new about yourself. I watch others and determine what does and doesnt work. Learning from your mistakes and others around you is the best option. You can simply tell yourself or someone else what you've learned from one situation (good or bad) and how to deal with it in a positive way. I read a lot of books that enlighten me on how to simply be a better human. Dealing with stress. Staying positive. Yadda Yadda Yadda. Deepak Chopra and Thich Nhat Hanh that help me with this. I've read a few excerpts here and there and they help out a lot. I try to remain stress free and nonchalant about everything that goes on in my everyday life. 

 

                                       WHEN I WAS A LIMITLESS CHILD

When I was a limitless child...

my mind ran wild.

Curiosity came, our play dates were never the same.

Books for reading became castles to keep my barbies safe.

Being the youngest and only girl of two boys,

you had to keep your mind occupied.

Hot lava on the wooden floors, old family couches with toys stuck between.

"India get down!" my Mother would scream

She never let me outside and I hated it.

I had to create my own world. I had to see beyond this bed. That closet. That window.

The endless games and stories I'd make up.

Brothers sixteen, and thirteen never in their room.

I'm alone. Toys of all varieties some how inspired me.

Crayons somehow turned into a recipe for my cooking show.

No one would know that I dumped all this in my brothers hat to use as a pot.

Maybe, I dont know. I never get in trouble.

My mind ran so wild. There was nothing I wouldnt try with all the time I spent alone.

My room had endless possibilities of new adventures.

Way, back when I was a limitless child.

OH OPRAH MY OPRAH!

     Dear Oprah Gail Winfrey,
I am writing to you just to let you know how much you inspire me. You are an actress, author, philanthropist, producer and the list just keeps going! I am in awe at who you've truly become in my life and dozens of people who look up to you. I just feel as though I should let you know I appreciate who you are and the knowledge and wealth that you give the world by just being you.

     Mrs Winfrey you have done it all. To do what you do, would simply be my dream job. You are a media mogul. To take a look at your wrap sheet of work is truly an inspiration. HARPO Productions gave me a few of my favorite movies such as "The Women of Brewster Place", "Beloved", and "Their Eyes Were Watching God". From Harpo Productions you have branched into Harpo Radio Inc., Harpo Print LLC, and Harpo Studios. These are amazing accomplishments, especially for a black woman of your time. We can often be underestimated and underappreciated but not you. You have broken the glass ceiling and you keep soaring. I cant even say how much I appreciate your presence on Earth.

    Although I am still young, and sit at the peak of what has yet to become of my future I always say to myself "What would Oprah do?". Being at a community college most would think the worst of it (especially my work ethic because some stereotypes would be people in community college did poor or dropped out of high school) but its untrue! Just last year you were honored with a doctorate degree from Harvard, how amazing is that??? Especially at 59, I hope that will be me. You came from poverty and had nothing and I noticed while you were still in high school you got a job in radio and by the time you were nineteen you had began co-anchoring for a local-evening news station. Obviously now its a little more difficult to just get a job at a radio station. I have tried, and a lot of radio stations ask for juniors or college graduates as interns. But these qualifications that they ask for will not keep me down! The only way to get into the career that I am focused on is to volunteer my time and put myself out there. I have established what I want to do and what I need to do if I want to meet my "Oprah Goals". These goals are to be an established African-American woman with a voice that reaches everyone at the same level, doing what I love to do most... and being a billionaire...

AN ODE TO OPRAH

Oprah you are an inspiration.

Your words are warming, touching, and are able enough to reach this entire nation.

I can never quit because you never quit despite your devastations.

Yes, Oprah Winfrey you are my inspiration.

Some could say they do look up to you,

but can they say whenever they are in a bad mood...

they ask themselves "What would Oprah do?"

Oh Oprah! My Oprah!

How is it even possible that you do those amazing things that you do?

I hope that some day I can grow up and be you, 

so some young woman my age now can say the same things that I do about you.

     

INDIA... THATS IT.

       What do you say the first post of your own personal blog? Do you start it off with hi's and hello's? Or do you just get right into it? I've always wanted to start a blog I just never knew what I wanted to say or how I would go about it. I guess this would be the start.

   India Elise Peters. Born on August 15th, 1995. I was born in Boston Massachusetts, and raised in the Dorchester area. I have two older brothers, making me the youngest and only girl of my mother. Although I didnt have sisters, my older cousins Lorraine and Cierra came pretty close to it. I'm now 19-years-old attending Bunker Hill Community College studying communications and media. Im still low key ashamed to be attending my second year in this school. I always wish that I was living on campus socializing with friends. But im not, specifically because I was horrible yet extremely smart student in high school. I'm also not a people person, and couldnt stand to stay in a closed enviornment with the potential of having a completely unclean roommate. Im rambling...

   I consider myself to be a complete socializing home body. Makes sense right? I love being in my own enviornment that makes me comfortable. Im quiet, extremely private and I think just about every characteristic of a leo fits me well. Im not active, I hate sweating and I never did/will play sports. My idea of having fun is swarming myself with friends and having complete adventures all over Boston. Bet you didnt know the Museum of Fine Arts Boston was free after 4:00pm on Thursday? Or in Fenway theres a good place to eat that has wing nights on Thursday where you can get 100 wings of your choice for $20.00? No, I didnt know that either until I figured it out with my friends. Thats the things I love to do the most. Spontaneous actions throughout the summer, love'em! I'm a huge listener of all types (not every type) of music. I cant go a day without listening on the train, bus, and just about anywhere I walk. Its my motivator, muse, and my block everything out when I dont feel like being apart society today-er.                                  

 

My best friend Aliyah would say that i'm always compeletly honest. She would say this because whenever someone ask me for advice, I never tell them what they want to hear. To be a good friend such as myself, I feel as though I need to tell them the truth ALWAYS.  Not matter how much it'll hurt. My best friend would also say that i'm loving because I tell the ones I love "I LOVE YOU LOTS" everday. I dont care if its through text, email, or twitter! I need these people to know that I love them. My boyfriend would say that i'm metacognitive. He says that because he knows i'm always thinking. I get extremely lost in my own thought process and he can always see it on my face. 

ACROSTIC POEM:

(E)MBRACE THE PEACE AND QUIET OF THE NIGHT.

NER(V)OUSNESS SURROUNDING WHAT I WANT TO DO IS A GOOD SIGN.

(O)FFER A SINCERE APOLOGY TO THOSE AFFECTED BY MY ANGER.

(L)OVE AND APPROVE MYSELF.

I REFUSE TO FALL (V)ICTIM IN A STATE OF PANIC BY PREPARING FOR MY FUTURE.

(E)VERY PROBLEM HAS A SOLUTION, AND I SEEK MY SOLUTION WITH RESOLVE.